Wednesday, September 8, 2004

Storm is done and so am I (Part 2)

okay...I feel much better now so I think I can work on anyway, where was I? Oh yeah.

Friday was a pretty good day. Spent the day watching the Weather Channel drooling over the cute ladies and looking at where Frances was going to come ashore. I had already talked to one of my friends and they were running to Tampa. When he said Tampa I immediately thought that I should go down to "help", but he told me it wasn't going to be THAT kinda of trip, so I needed to stay. It would have been nice to get down there to spend some money on my lady "friends", but that's for another time.

I talked to one of my good friends in town off and on most of the day Friday. She was telling me that her boyfriend or whatever he still wanted to go to Dog Island and she didn't want to go. She was explaining to me how she felt things were like her past relationships and that she felt a guilt trip coming, but she still wasn't going to go. Then I get a phone call on Saturday evening while I was in my undies from her to see if I could go over and feed and poop the cats because she wouldn't be home...she went to Dog Island and the plane didn't get them and they had to take a boat..blah..blah. She said that we'll get together sometime over Chinese and catch up. What gets me is that for all the talking about why she didn't want to go over she ends up going anyway. I don't understand.

Yeah I mean people change their minds about plenty of stuff. Hell, I do it sometimes too, but she was so adamant about not going and she ends up going over there must have been some serious guilt flowing for her to get up and go. Why would someone cave into something? As much as she talks about how this relationship is like her previous ones she's still in it. I don't get it. Like I've said before, people tend to gravitate towards similar things, so I should expect as much, but I would hope that doesn't happen for her. She deserves MUCH, MUCH more, but it's hard to tell her something like that because I don't want to feel like I am imposing on her life or the choices she makes. I dunno...I just consider her a really good friend and I don't want anything to happen to her. I treat her like a younger sister...a cute younger sister, but that's for another conversation....

I was sitting at home the other night while the wind was whipping and trees bending and I had a thought. If I die tonight, I'll die alone. For as long as I was with my ex, this was the first time that I actually sat back and really thought about it.

I am alone.

At least my friend, whether it's what she truly wants or not, still is with someone. She wouldn't die alone. My friend in Oklahoma might not be with someone, but at least she has someone to turn to that is close by.

I don't have family here in town and there really isn't anyone here (of the female persuasion) that I would be with. I have that girl that I've been talking to off and on and we've been out a lot, but when it comes to "being" with that person, I don't know whether I feel for her enough that she would be someone that I would call over and ask if she could stay.

I don't like this feeling.

If I died, I don't have any children so there is no legacy that lives on. I want kids before I die. I don't have a spouse to at least share those last moments with. I want someone in my live like that.

I hate the way she left me. I hate being put in this position. I think I hate her more now than I ever did.

Why did she just not let me go sooner? I invested so much energy and time in the relationship and this is what I get out of it? Nothing? She got her way with everything and now she has a "great" life and what am I left with? Memories? Good times? That's not acceptable to me.

It's easier for a woman to jump right back into a new relationship with anyone and move on...Women have a puss and every man wants it. A man has it a lot harder. I would have been a lot happier if she would have left a long time ago. Hell I would be married to someone else, have children and still be able to do the things that I always wanted. Now my future track has been severely diverted. I still am on track to get out of this town and start a new life, but I wanted to do it with her. I will find someone eventually and that person and things will be good....but when is that going to happen?

I love the relationship part, but honestly I hate dating. You are truly never yourself when you date. You're always trying to be someone they expect you to be and not truly yourself. I like skipping over all the BS and get right down into the relationship part where you're learning, growing, loving and caring about someone. If there was a website that could help me find that...SOMEONE PLEASE SHOW ME WHERE THAT IS. I've filled out the whole eHarmony thing and it's really cool because the survey really makes you look at yourself and be honest in the things you want out of someone, but it also makes you realize what kind of person you are as well. I am just too cheap to spend the money to make the match....or am I too scared to make the commitment? It is a lot of money, but can you put a price on finding your "soulmate"??

Well, someone from Accounts Payable have dropped off a ton of invoices for me to sign, so I better sign off now. I have a strange feeling that I am going to be getting some IMs this afternoon.


Current Mood: optimistic
Current Song I am listening to: Chicago (Call on Me)

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I disagree about women moving on easier. I think that is an individual thing. I didn't move on easier but my ex-husband apparently did. Long before the divorce was final.