Sunday, March 6, 2005

Sunday Ramblings...

Pretty good weekend. Went to a friend's house to play Poker Saturday night. Played pretty nicely and cleaned up. It made me think that I actually know how to play this game. I played loose when I needed to and play tight near the end to protect...Bring on Vegas...

Anyway, after feeding the kitties and taking a walk today I've come to some realizations.

I don't think I'm happy here.

I've tried pretty hard to make the best of my situation here in town, trying to put on a shiny, happy attitude, but it's getting harder everyday. I was so ready to move while I was married, ready to start a new life in another town with my baby, but that was all for not.

I know...get over it Mike and move on.

Let me tell you something, try it from my side of the street and see how you would handle it. Like I said a long time ago, I love long and hard and I am very tight with my close circle of friends. Trust is something that I rarely give to people and it was broken by a couple of people I considered close; one I considered my best friend. I've tried to rationalize everything in my head and make her look, in my eyes, like it wasn't her fault and shit happens. I've come to another realization...

That's total bullshit.

People have agendas and no matter what you think, people will do whatever they want to make themselves happy. Not that its a problem, but when people get hurt in the process that makes me think that this world is a lot colder than I thought. Yes, there are good people out there and I know plenty of them...but I thought this one was good as well. I've come to another realization...

I don't think she ever was to me.

Now I could be wrong and I am sure that she's a great wife now and I hope that she and her husband are very happy and I hope they are planning to have kids. She would make a great mother.

People change. People grow up. People don't break the trust of other people.

I know...get over it Mike and move on...

In a lot of ways I've moved on, but in some ways I am back to that Friday the 13th.

Today I guess is the day I've decided to finally get rid all the anger, frustration and pity that I've had built up inside. There's been no tears today, but there has been a lot of self-reflection and alot of weights being lifted. During my workout I came to another realization...

Even though I'm not happy here, it's not time yet to leave.

There are so many outside influences pulling me in so many different directions somedays I don't know what end is up. It was so much easier when I was back in school. All I had to do was go to class, study and drink.

Maybe I should quit everything and go back to school...maybe I'll get my degree in Music Education??

No...that would be pretty childish...but it would sure get my mind off everything else.

What I need is my birthday to come.

On a side note before I end, how is it that people that you're supposedly close to just don't talk to you anymore? I have friends that I've known since 3rd grade and I get a phone call at least a couple times a week. I guess I shouldn't care, but I do. Some people are going to get some emails from me in the next coming weeks. I don't know why I'm going to do this...wait..I do. It's hard for me to let things go.

As if you people didn't already know.

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