Monday, January 31, 2005

Sometimes I wonder....

Okay..this might be in "Stream of Consciousness" mode, so please excuse me. If you wanna skip to the bottom that's cool....but there won't anything constructive there either. :)

When I do my walk/jog most mornings (I can't say every morning cause it's been a little chilly) the lap takes me by the place my ex and I got our first apartment together. (we lived together before that, but she moved in because she didn't have a place to live) I think back to those times and they were some of the best times I think in my life. We were "in love", I was just about to finish up Keiser and she was finishing up her bachelor's at FSU. I can remember when my mom came over for my graduation. She really thought her and I were a "great couple". I can remember when her mom flew in from Denver to see the place and spend time with us. I can remember her telling us that we were such a "great couple".

What does a great couple mean? Does that mean you don't fight in front of other people? Does it mean you can hide your feelings and give a good face in front of other people? Don't get me wrong. I honestly have no idea whether she was hiding any feelings back then or I shouldn't be second guessing any of that, but it does kinda make me wonder....why did we REALLY go through all of this?

If you haven't noticed when I love someone or something I am not half-assed about it. It's all or nothing for me. There's only 3 people in the world I've ever given my heart to. One of them was my High School sweetheart, one of them was someone I dated while I was in Chiefs and the other was my ex wife. I knew I would never marry my High School sweetie, I screwed up not marrying the next one because I went up to see my High School sweetie while I was engaged and then I know. When I screwed up with #2 I knew that I would do everything in my power not to screw up with #3. I love women...and I dated a lot of women in HS and in college so it was really hard for me to be "committed" back then. I left someone to date "the ex" because I knew that what I was in was sexual only and I was ready to be committed. Should I have stayed with who I was with and not gone to "the ex"? I mean, I shouldn't be second guessing, but it does kinda make me wonder...why did I go through all this?

I remember when I first met her mom and stepdad. I was pretty nervous. I guess all guys go through the "Well I hope they like me...I hope I don't say anything stupid or I hope I don't f**k up." They came down for an FSU game. We had a great time and I really liked them. I can also remember what her mom said after I hugged her when they left..."Take care of my daughter and love her with all your heart." I also remember when they found out we were getting a divorce. I remember her saying that no matter what I would always be a part of their lives. I haven't heard from them since I wrote that letter. I can understand how they can be upset, but I would have hoped that they could have given me the ability to say my peace. The only thing that I ever asked for before this all ended was that our friends should know what happened. I didn't care how it was spinned. I could made to look bad and everything was my fault, but I wanted a letter sent out. It never happened. Maybe I shouldn't have had those beers before I wrote it. Maybe I should have blind copied instead of CC'ed everyone. I am not second guessing what I did, but it does make me wonder...why did I go through all of this?

Well, as I sit back finishing up on a good episode of 24 and watching the final hour of wrestling I want to end with this: I don't have anything to regret and this was the best learning experience I've ever been through. I've grown up so much in the past couple of years...but sometimes I wonder...Maybe it was my fault for not waiting for her to get over her previous relationship before I started dating her. Maybe it was my fault for loving so hard. Maybe it's it's her fault for not being honest the entire time. Or maybe..just's no one's fault at all and "Shit Happens"..........

Nah...Shit doesn't happen. Shit is created and Shit stinks.

P.S. Some people think I should get over it and move on. Believe me, I've moved on and in moving on I don't mind talking about it. Sometimes it's serious, sometimes it's hilarious, but all of it is the past...where it should be. Now if you'll excuse me I need to get laid... :)

P.P.S. Thanks for the present, J. I'll just think of it as a B-day present so I don't feel weird. I love you honey. Have a safe trip.

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