Wednesday, December 8, 2004

I'm back...

Well I've been here the whole time.
Honestly I write every evening, but I don't post all the time.

Here's the stats since I've been away:

  • Played poker the other night with a bunch of friends. I cleaned up pretty nicely.
  • Played golf Sunday. I sucked ass. I need therapy.
  • Work has been an absolute pain. I've thought about quitting 3 times. I have applied for another job, but I haven't heard anything as of yet. We'll see how that goes.
  • I really miss Orlando. Seems like I've been missing out on a lot of things down there and it sucks because I'm too old to make excuses why I am not down there. Gotta move the plan forward or I am going to go insane.
  • Bought a new digital camera. Finally when I go out of town I can take pictures. Gotta make sure I have enough space on the web page to handle my new toy.
Here's a little bit of what I wrote a while ago. Just want to give you a little insight on where I am:


Today I figured that I would start cleaning the house and getting rid of stuff that I don't need. I went into the hall closet and I found a blanket then I went into the guest room and I found a big plate. The blanket was something that Jeannie gave me as a wedding present. It said, "To have and to hold from this day forward. Michael and Jeannie March 17, 2001". The plate said, "Michael and Jeannie March 17, 2001". If you didn't know I love blankets. It can be 90 degrees and I still need a blanket, if even for a little while. I guess it's just security for me.

Anyway, I took out the blanket and started thinking about the past. It's amazing that someone can give you something so personal but doesn't really love you. We had some great times together and shared a lot of special moments, some of which I'll never forget. I can remember the first time we kissed. I knew then that she was "the one" and I can remember telling her that night. I remember the first time we made love. I hate to be cheesy, but it really was "magic". I remember when she told me her that she had a problem and I still loved her and wanted to be with her. I remember going to Key West with all our friends and proposing to her. Yeah, I was drunk at the time and I didn't have a ring, but my feelings then were the same when I woke her up on the morning of Jan 1, 2000 and proposed again. Maybe she wanted a big deal (down on one knee in front of a big group of people, blah, blah, blah) but she didn't get that. She got a very private me professing my love to her and promising the rest of my life to making her the happiest person in the world.

If she would have said no right then and there I wouldn't have cared. Sure I would have been disappointed that she didn't choose me. At least she would have been honest. I would have gotten on with my life and she would have moved on with her's and I wouldn't be writing this. We wouldn't have taken our friends down a road with a bad ending. I could have taken back the engagement ring. We wouldn't have spent a ton of money on a wedding. I wouldn't have spent the money to buy a house. There wouldn't have been mistrust, lying and just a general shitty attitude about each other.

Oh I am sure that she loved me at one time. I know she did because I could see it in her eyes. But something changed and she fell out of love. Maybe I served my purpose for room and board and once she got her Masters Degree she was done with me. The worst thing about that is if she needed a roomate I would have been more than happy to let her stay. I would have just treated her differently and moved on and dated other people. There were a lot of people that I was interested in, had opportunities to do things and would have happily persued, but my committment to the relationship was greater than jumping in the sack with someone else. I think that's what unconditional love is all about and maybe that was what she didn't have for me anymore.

The day she asked for a divorce she said she loved me, but she couldn't be married to me. You know, at the time she said that I had basically given up on the marriage and was just ready for it to be over so it didn't hurt. I felt that I did everything in my power to save what we had, but everything I was working she was tearing down by creating a future with someone else.

I haven't spoken to her since she moved back to Colorado. I could never truly hate her, but finally I feel that I don't love her anymore. Of course I care about her and wouldn't want anything bad to happen to her or her family, but she's out of my life, been out of my life for a while and it's time for a change.

I burned the blanket and I threw away the plate. I think she would have wanted that.

I think I need a beer and some veggies.

That is what's going on in my world. Take care guys and I am back. As one famous wrestler said, "I needed to find my smile." Now I am focused so look for some big things.

I'll be posting more often.

Peace, Love and Big Thick Blankets....

1 comment:

Radmila said...

Who said that there are no nice guys left?

Your candid, and sad entry about your failed marriage is touching.