Good Friday thoughts...

I just noticed that I haven't written since 2016. Damn, that was a LONG time ago. So much has happened that if I started writing about it now I would write solidly for a month. I will come back to some of those items at a later time, but there is something on my chest I've wanted to talk about.

So...

I spent Thursday cleaning out my guest room. I came upon a box. It didn't look any different than all the other paper boxes I've been going through the past few weeks, but when I opened it I had to stop and take a deep breath. What I saw made me think..a lot.

What I saw were letters, cards, notes. So many things that I hadn't even opened that it scared me to even look at them. I quietly picked up each one, looked at the date and sorted them as my anal retentive self-does. There were B-day cards, letters from Mom, Christmas cards and other notes from a lot of my friends. 

I can tell you that a couple years ago I was in a very dark place. I was very lonely even though I had tons of friends. I was pretty social even though at that time I didn't want to be with anyone. I have a great job, great family and big support system but I was very depressed. Depression doesn't mean you can't go out and be with people and you can't go to work and be a contributing member of society. I am all of those, but when I came home from work, or events it took all that I had to process my emotions, thoughts, and feelings. I can tell you I was a mess...

So..fast forward to today. How am I? How did you break out of your depression? Do you lapse back into your dark places? Well, I am the happiest I've been in a very long time. I've still got my stable job (been there 23 years). I have a girlfriend that I love and care about very much. She supports me in all that I do. I still have the same support system, but I've weeded out a lot of people but only associate with those who truly love, trust and care about me. 

What I did is something that's very easy to say but very difficult to do, but I've done it. I JUST STOPPED. I stopped the self-pity of my life, what I thought I was supposed to have, what I was supposed to be and just started living my life on my own terms. It was not easy and I had to come to grips with a lot, personally and financially. I wake up every day and tell myself it is going to be a good day. If it isn't...there is tomorrow to try and make it a better day. Don't get me wrong. I am NOT a perfect person and there are moments where the depression wants to come out from the closet and wrap itself around me, but now when I see it coming I know to stop, think and reflect on the great things that I have in front of me and that edge of dread starts to go away. I looked at myself, as I reflected on my 50th birthday this week and said...dude, you have come a LONG way. You're still a work in progress, but you're going to be okay. We are ALL going to be okay...if you want to. 

I say all of that stuff above to say this. If you're battling something (depression, weight, relationship problems) always know there is a better way than what you think. It's something you can do yourself (I am an example), but if don't feel you can PLEASE look and ask for help. You might feel embarrassed or ashamed to ask, but it always takes one step to start a marathon..and your life is a marathon, not a sprint. If there is no one you feel you can talk to...ask me. I am more than happy to help. We...meaning everyone on this planet, are one big family and I feel like lately, we've moved farther and farther away from this. There is more good than bad around you, so look for the good in everything and everyone and we will all be okay.

Peace, Love and Thick Blankets

Friday thoughts...of 2015

When I end a year I always look back at three things. How my year went professionally, financially and personally.

Professionally: 2015 was an awesome year. I had a lot of projects take place and completed, my new hire made it through his probationary period and I finally received a raise! While I still have to deal with my problem employee I've finally gained the respect from my management team and they have my back on the ways I've dealt with him. Honestly I wish I could get rid of him, but that'll never happen...so onto 2016 with him. 

Financially: 2015 was not a great year. Even though I received a raise my investments took another bad hit. I am really hoping that this year I finally get a turn around and see some positives. I've debated at least twice on whether I sell my home and downsize, but the market just isn't turning over houses, but with the news I've read of people buying in 2016..I could possibly move forward.

Personally: 2015 was definitely an interesting year. Social media tells me I've met so many people but honestly there is only a few people that I met that I've cared about. These people are friends in the truest sense of the word. Whether it was a late night text, needing someone to vent to, needing a shoulder to cry on and so many other things I can't even tell you. I owe you all so much that I hope 2016 brings us even closer together!

I reconnected with my "ride or die" this year. It was so good taking the time to ride down to spend time with her..if even for a couple hours. I see 2016 being a year where I will make the time for a couple Naples trips. 

I got to spend time with a lot of my close friends, which I call my "Family by Choice". They truly are the people that keep me sane. I wouldn't have gotten through this year without their love and support. It made my heart smile that I could offer up Casa de Toker to so many people this year. This year..they'll be offering up their houses to me.. ;) I love all of you so much.

Even though I spent a lot of time with so many good people 2015 was the year I made a conscious effort to release myself from the negative people in my life. It sucks because I am the ultimate optimist and I try to see the good in everyone. 2015 the trust circle got a lot tighter but in the end it's for the best.

I tried to give my heart to a couple of women this year but things didn't go as planned. I'm a pretty private person, so even thinking about investing in someone was a really big step. I don't come away from it bitter at all, I'm a little disappointed because I know how much I can give and how ready I am to be in someone's life, and for someone to be in mine. Through all this I have learned a lot not just about me, but about the women I've wanted to invest my heart with. I know that God has a plan for me on who I'm supposed to be with, but I can be a very impatient person. I feel I'm a pretty good catch so I'm sure 2016 will bring many attempts at love but who knows..it could be a minute before I start looking again. 

And last but not least my relationship with my mother is even closer, if that can even happen. She is my rock, my heart and my everything. I can only hope that I am a good representative of you. She'll never read this, but I love you so much Mom!!

My wish to all of you is a happy and healthy new year. I've decided to come back to writing this year so as I start my adventures you'll be in the loop. 

Peace, Love and Thick Blankets friends...I love you.
Me